Taken from an early edit of, Untranslatable
CW: food
TW: eating disorders
Every year November seems to kick off the season of thanks, giving, love, good spirits. As though we have all looked at the calendar, quickly shoved the costumes and candy aside, and took a moment to breathe in gratefulness. I am sure there are those people who are just putting up a good show. Their social media accounts are overflowing with thoughts of thanks. When the reality is they are still their grumpy selves. Others really have taken that breath of thanks and are making the most out of the last two months in the year.
Whichever kind of person you are, I think that for everyone, it is ok to not feel overwhelmed with thankfulness tomorrow. We have spent the days day, week, hours, whatever planning, and prepping, and buying, and preening, and hoping for a joyous holiday. Every year I do the same thing. I help make food, I find a great new outfit (because everyone needs the right outfit for battle), and I amp myself up. It is these expectations that we put on ourselves and our families that really cause the holiday to well…suck.
For a person with an eating disorder, Thanksgiving is a scary time. It is food-centered and everyone is expected to eat too much all at once and not eat for the rest of the day. This day is terrifying, this day is the day that sets people back. All year hard work has been done to achieve eating habits that work with our bodies. Then, Thanksgiving comes along. For me, so many things come up during this holiday. Do I eat breakfast? When do I eat breakfast? If we are eating at 2 does that count as lunch and dinner? Is my plate too full? Is my plate not full enough? Who thought turnips were a good idea? All of this, all day. I have discovered many times over, that I actually don’t like most Thanksgiving foods: stuffing, turnips, sweet potatoes (especially with marshmallows), butternut squash that has been brown sugared. I really don’t enjoy it. My eating disorder loves it. When there are foods I don’t like I have a good reason to eat less. When there is a giant party no one will wonder where I am because I have spent an hour in the bathroom after the meal. No one will wonder why I’m not eating dessert if I say I ate too much before. Thanksgiving made my eating disorder sing. So how do I navigate it now? In a family who questions whether it even existed at all? In a house where someone proclaims we need to stop buying food because there is too much in the house? This day brings up more questions than I have answers.
In sharing this, I want everyone to remember that if today, if tomorrow if any holiday is hard, you are not alone. For every moment of holiday traffic, every toxic relative, bad food, uncomfortable sweaters, and situations; I am right there with you. To the people who do have warm houses and warm hearts to go to and this day is fun; rejoice in it. Families are chaotic and wonderful. Enjoy the love chaos. Celebrate it, and maybe send some of that love our way.
